I won't go into my past in detail, but in short, I grew up with no emotional or practical support from parents, neither of whom were around much after they broke up. As soon as I was old enough, I started having girlfriends...partly as a normal teenager, but partly I think I latched onto them as a source of the love and emotional support I never got when I was growing up. This is a pattern that I think has continued.
So, whenever a relationship ends, it devastates me...because I feel like not only have a lost the person I love, but i've also lost all of the support I got from them. I want to make it clear that the 'support' is more a state of mind, I don't think i'm emotionally demanding of my partners. Being with someone 'objective' who I know loves me is the only time I feel 'normal', and not horribly depressed and worthless. My friends, family and colleagues all tell me I am a great guy, loved and worthwhile...but it's as if their opinion doesn't count, and I need to hear that from an 'objective' person in the form of a girlfriend. So when I don't have one, I feel terrible. My last relationship was a distance one, which for me didn't matter too much, as just *knowing* I was in a relationship with someone who loved me was enough to give me a decent state of mind. I am not selfish in relationships, in fact I am only really happy when I have someone else to focus on, someone else for me to make happy. I found a quote recently that I think sums me up very well: “What makes loneliness an anguish is not that I have no one to share my burden, but this: I have only my own burden to bear.”
Following my recent break-up, i'm hearing a lot of cliches about how I should learn to love myself, be happier with my own company etc. These are easy things to say, but nobody really seems to be able to suggest how I go about *doing* this!
So please, can anybody give me some practical tips on things I can physically do, in order to feel happier about myself, feel worthy, and not mind being alone as much as I do? I do not want to feel like I absolutely need to be in a relationship to be happy, because feeling like this has led to some bad choices in the past.
I want to make it clear that on some level, I *know* I am a decent person, I know that my friends, family and colleagues all like me, love me, think i'm nice....I really believe that they do...but for some reason, even believing that they mean what they say does not make me *feel* that I am these things! It's as if it doesn't matter if it comes from them as they are not objective or something, it will only matter and I will only really feel that I am these things when I have a girlfriend who thinks these things about me. I know it must sound very ungrateful of me to say that the opinions of my friends and family ';don't matter';. It's not that they don't, it's just that for whatever reason, knowing that they think well of me just doesn't make me feel any better...it has to come from a girlfriend. Some of this is probably tied in with having a poor body image, I really think of myself as unattractive and ugly, that's certainly how I feel anyway.
Practical tips wanted on how to learn to love myself and be happier in my own company, plus any other thoughts / suggestions / comments about anything i've said would be greatly appreciated. Please ask if you want any more specific details.How do I learn to ';love myself';, and not feel that I need to be in a relationship to feel worthwhile?
We all have a core belief, that is a very deep set within us. Based on what you have written, it seems your childhood taught you that your core belief is that you are unloveable. This is why you don't 'feel' the love of friends and family: because that just does not fit with your core belief, your true feelings about yourself. And feeling unattractive and ugly is further 'evidence' to yourself, that you are unloveable.
On the other hand, being in a healthy, loving relationship, is by far the single most powerful and healing thing to help reverse this. Whenever a relationship breaks down though, it hurts so much because the feelings that you are unloveable are re-inforced rather than reversed, leaving you feeling terrible.
So, how do you get around this? You need some evidence that your are loved, along with any counter-evidence that you aren't loved. I think it could be helpful for you to draw up a list. Write down the names of close family and friends, and next to each one, write as many positive things they have said or done for you in say, the last month. Next to that write down anything negative they have said or done. You should begin to see that there aren't many (if any) things that back up that you are not loved. In essence, you prove to yourself that your core belief is no longer based on any fact!
You are actually already half way there as you have great insight - you know you are a decent person, and you now need to help yourself to believe it by analysing everyday situations, and I hope come to the realisation that you can allow yourself to feel this love, and banish any pesky thoughts that try to tell you otherwise!How do I learn to ';love myself';, and not feel that I need to be in a relationship to feel worthwhile?
A must-read for you: Perfect Love, Imperfect Relationships (John Welwood). It explains succinctly why you are feeling what you're feeling (and how normal it is) and how to access the love that you are truly made of, at any time. You'll find more satisfying love once you understand this. Pls read it!
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Simple - you need to achieve something for yourself.
A new skill. A new hobby. Committing time to helping less fortunate people.
Whoo... this question is a doozie! I'm not sure there's an ';easy'; answer for this. One thing I recommend is exercise. Join a gym, take some classes there, or get some workout equipment and/or videos for you to do at home (or go for a walk or run, etc. each day) and that will help your body physically and mentally feel better. Emotionally, it's a different story. You actually sound pretty normal to me, as I'm not sure there are many people out there who truly enjoy being single and alone. That said, I wish you the best in finding your perfect match so that you can settle down and marry, which in your case, would probably help you balance out the feelings you have of needing to know you're needed, wanted, and a person of worth! :)
If I had written this myself, it could hardly be more like me. You are not alone.
Try volunteering. It will make you feel like a good person, and give you a chance to socialize without worrying about romantic interests as much. It also puts into perspective that (in some way) things could be worse and you are truly blessed.
Also, try spending time with (or making) some female friends. They tend to be so much more supportive and easy to talk to.
Please email me if you want. :)
I think you must keep some pet....develop love with it..play with it...have quality time..with your family..spend extra time with girls (who are close to you) listen to music.....try indulging in things you love!
Hello Andrew,
I tried an audio program from this wonderful website http://path.to/thinkrightnow/
It really helped me with my problems around lack of confidence, low self esteem, my panic and anxiety attacks and depression,
I can’t believe the change in me. It totally transformed my life. No more panic attacks, absolutely amazing! You just can’t imagine what this has done for my life. The changes in me are nothing short of miraculous.
You too could benefit from these audio programs. It is a learning system to condition the conscious and unconscious mental patterns that will allow you to rise above your current limitations and to embrace and achieve your goals. It starts with a brief relaxation session at the beginning of each programs, to produce the optimal state of mind for learning and retention with 55-60 beat per minute music to further reduce stress while lowering brain waves into the alpha and theta levels followed by special pace and repetition of re-scripting statements.
What they do for you is significantly alter your automatic mental processes, which start working in days and produces lasting, growing results that continue to improve every aspect of your life as the weeks and months go by.
It will work wonders for you, too. No more depression, no more paralyzing panic attacks. No more runaway fears. No more obsessing over matters large and small.
Hope this helps, best wishes to you.
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